A few interesting conversation threads popped up recently on the Chiari Forum with regards to emotions and how we go through them and handle them during different aspects of diagnosis and treatment.

It has also been very interesting to see how different people interpret those emotions and how they actually manifest themselves.

Original Link: Chiari Forum

I think where some Chiari sufferers are either accused of, or assess themselves as having "mood swings" then this is just how their emotions are manifesting - because each and every one of us are so very different, we have different sets of circumstances, backgrounds, coping skills, pressures, environments etc etc etc then no wonder they manifest themselves in different ways too.

A question was raised from one forum member who is due to go for surgery next week and who was querying if she was alone in feeling "excitement" at the prospect of going into hospital next week for major surgery.

I took the opportunity to reflect back on my own feelings - I had also been speaking to another member of the forum who was also going in for the operation next week, but who had just had the call giving them their date. Again, I remember my own emotions well at that point and said that she would soon be feeling excited about it rather than shocked and a little scared as she did at that point.

My own experience in hindsight was that I did suffer terribly with "mood swings" as I was going through diagnosis. I was in a lot of pain and feeling very vulnerable. Hindsight is great for analysis, but when you are "there and then" you don't have that opportunity - your emotions are driving you.

There is no greater cause of mood swings as uncertainty and frustration - in my own opinion at least.

We all go through this "deep and dark" phase at some point in our lives, and it can be an unforgiving spiral - until we realise our own emotions and deal with them.

We will also all deal with them differently. Some will chose to do this privately, some will chose to do it publicly. There are thousands of examples of both across all walks of life, inside all social circles and across all types of media.

No way is the correct way, no way is the wrong way, as long as it helps us as individuals "snap" out of the "mood" and either choose to accept or ignore what has made us feel that way and move on - as long as we do "deal with it" and not just put it on a back burner to fester.

Back to topic!

Before I was given the "news" about my surgery date, I guess I was ignoring the fact that it was "me" that was involved here, and it seemed remote. As soon as I got the call with my date, it suddenly became "real" and very personal. It was actually and I really had no choice as I had already made the decision based upon fact and what I wanted from life for my family.

I experienced anguish, fear, dread, panic and was scared - this probably lasted for a couple of days. Of course I put a brave face on for my family - I replaced my heart for a swinging brick when they were around. Inside however was a totally different situation.

I then thought the whole thing through and imagined my life if I chose not to have surgery?

Suddenly I became more self aware and decided that it was the right thing to do for the right reasons, and that the only way that I could handle it would be to get "practical" and look at it positively. It was a positive thing to be getting done, therefore why should I not give myself the best possible attitude towards it by being totally positive about it, not only to everyone else, but also to me?

This is when I started to feel "excited" about the prospect of regaining my old life back, being able to walk pain free, being able to get back to the things I enjoyed the most and being able to plan a future with my family.

I wanted to be well, and was looking forward to the end result.

Is it right to feel excited? I think so. Especially if you have made the right decision, then it is just confirmation that you have made the correct choice for the correct reasons.

If you don't feel excited at this point, then I suggest you need to sort that out by taking a step back and looking at the decision making process again.

I likened the whole process to a roller coaster ride - and to be honest it was just like that. I was not in control, well not entirely but I knew that at the end of it I was going to feel great.

So, thinking back from the moment I walked into the hospital, I felt no fear, I was calm and practical. I was ultra aware and was asking questions all the time, I was mapping out what was going to happen and was concentrating on me and recovery.

I was lucky that my wife took all of the responsibility away from me about everything that was going on outside and I had been given the facility to be selfish for once and concentrate on recovery.

Because I was calm and practical I had a clear and rational thought process throughout. It enabled me to focus on the small goals that I set each day, assess and move on.

On the outside, it may not have appeared that I was calm - I was in a lot of discomfort, I was bound to be, but inside I was almost machine like.

Some may say that this could also be described as a "mood swing" from the person that I was before I had been given the date - why do we always look at mood swings as a negative? My mood swing had turned positive?

I recovered well from surgery, apart from having no complications, I felt that being positive and practical helped me far more than the morphine - I was sure of it, however, I wasn't prepared to test the theory. I was happy to have had the benefit of brilliant pain management.

My positivity remained when I was discharged - apart from the drive home when I got grumpy! I am sure my wife hit every pothole and speed bump on the way home purposely ;)

As I progressed at home, my emotions started to drift back to normality. There were times when I was happy, there were times when I was sad, wound up or frustrated. But I had hope and excitement that when I had recovered from surgery, I would be feeling great again.

When we go through any pivotal moment in our lives, and we all do at some point - we go through lots of different emotions. Some might seem strange at the time, but I am sure that we all feel the same way.

To help explain, when my father died at the age of 49, I was around 20 years old. He died at home from prostate cancer after spells in hospital and a nearby hospice. It was unfortunately a long drawn out process, and he suffered greatly towards the end, he fought it to the last moment.

I felt sadness and guilt, anger, fear and frustration - but I also felt happy and relief, then went back to guilt and sadness. For all kinds of reasons, and I am sure you know why without me explaining each and every one.

To me, surgery was one of those pivotal moments in my life, and I guess that I have felt every emotion when going through each part - diagnosis, treatment, recovery and beyond living with residual symptoms. I have probably gone through every emotion there is in the last 12 months. Just because I reach a point where I feel happy and positive, that doesn't mean that I will never have a feeling of sadness about the whole thing again - it's the emotional roller coaster.

My Dad died 15 years ago. I still think back and feel sad that he is gone - I also have other emotions for different reasons - personal reasons. However, I do not feel that my emotions are as strong or as close to the surface as they once were.

I guess in 15 years time I will feel the same about my Chiari experience.

Does that mean that the "mood swings" have ended? Or does that mean that we still have them, just diluted by time?

Do mood swings say something negative about us? Or are they just human nature and that we all go through them, except when they clash with other peoples moods then that's where "conflict" starts?

Does that reaction from others say as much about them than it does about ourselves? Is it their reaction that makes the whole "mood swing" thing negative?

Personally I think it says more about the other person's negative side than it does you.

You will be faced with riding the roller coaster, but at the same time you will also be expected to manage your own emotions so as not to clash with those people around you that would currently be feeling different emotions, or the exact same ones, maybe handled the same or very differently.

Nobody will win, if it is about winning that is. All we have to do is accept that we all have tickets for the emotional roller coaster and in different cars and sometimes they clash. The only way to deal with it, is don't take it personally, don't judge and just get over it in a positive manner.

Easier said than done? I think so too ;)